Children

This section of the website is written for you, parents and caregivers who are seeking resources and information on sexual development and problematic sexual behaviors in children aged 3-12.

Child Sexual Development

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Child development books and other educational materials typically do not cover sexual development. It’s a tough subject to discuss, much less understand.

Deciding when sexual behavior is normative and when it is problematic can be just as difficult.

Your child may have touched another child's private parts. Is it just “playing doctor"? Or is it a sign of something more serious? We want to help you answer questions like that, and we’re glad you’re here.

If you are concerned about your child's behavior, or just want to learn more about sexual development, take some time and read through our website to learn more and utilize our resources, graphs, and scenarios to help you.

Your child's sexual awareness starts early and continues to evolve throughout the preschool and school-age years. All aspects of childhood development – cognitive, language, motor, social, emotional, sexual – are interconnected. Understanding how your child's behavior changes as they grow can help you determine whether sexual behavior is typical or a cause for concern. Strive to be proactive and positive.

The following sections provide more details about the development of sexual knowledge and behavior in children. The “When is sexual behavior problematic?” section provides information on the differences between typical sexual behavior and problematic sexual behavior in more detail.

 

 
Sexual Development by Age

Click age group below for details about sexual development

Ages 0-6: Infants, Toddlers And Preschoolers

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Young children see the world through their eyes and are not good at taking other's perspectives. This is natural during this time of development. Children commonly act on what they want to do in the moment. For many children, thinking about consequences or the impact of their behavior on others is a skill that has not yet been practiced or developed. They want to do what they want, and they are focused on seeking pleasure. For example, if they're uncomfortable in their clothes, they may take them off without considering being nude in front of others. Preschool children often do not yet understand social norms regarding wearing clothing in front of others.

Since young children often don’t yet have the knowledge or context for what is safe and not safe to do with their body, it’s important to talk with your children about their body and how it changes as they age. Teaching safety rules around their body will support prevention of their own problematic behavior, and reduce risk of your child being hurt by someone else. Resources from organizations such as the How To Talk To Preschoolers About Anatomy & Body SafetySex Education Forum, and Kids 4 Kids provide steps on how to engage in these conversations.

Sexual Knowledge

Knowledge and expression about sex roles and sexual behavior evolves throughout children’s early years. Young children often have a limited understanding of pregnancy and birth. By age 6, however, they may know that babies grow in a womb and they may know the differences between birth by Cesarean section or by vaginal delivery, depending on what has been taught. What children know about adults’ sexual behavior and intimacy is influenced by what the children have seen and heard.

Preschool children mostly know about such things as kissing and cuddling. About one in five 6-year-olds knows something about more explicit sexual behaviors.

Children need support, love and care from family, friends, school and community to foster development and growth into happy and healthy adults.

The table below provides examples of preschool-aged children's general development and how they learn. The second column explains how this relates to their sexual development and behavior.

Preschool Children’s Development And Behavior

Preschool Children’s Development And Behavior
Typical Cognitive, Language, and Social Development in Preschool Children Typical Sexual Development and Behavior
Young children seek pleasure. They do not see themselves from other people’s viewpoints. They are not self-conscious. They often prioritize comfort. They will undress and run around nude in front of others. They may appear to not care about how other people feel because they don’t fully understand the impact of their behavior on others.
They are curious about the world, about how things work, and about how things are similar and different from each other. They are curious about physical differences of different bodies and how bodies change as people age. This curiosity includes wanting to see how other children’s body parts are different.
They learn through their senses, especially by using sight and touch. They learn through their senses, especially by using sight and touch, and thus may try to look at or touch other people’s private parts.
They have a rapidly growing vocabulary. They may use words related to urination (“pee-pee”) and defecation (“poo-poo”) when labeling their private parts. These words can be exciting to children who will use the words repeatedly, particularly with other kids. Young children will use the technical labels (such as vagina, vulva, penis, anus), if taught these terms.
They learn about behaviors by watching the people around them and imitating them. They imitate behaviors of other children and adults, and play “doctor,” “house”, or “parents” with other children.
Children want to avoid being punished by their parents. They try to avoid discomfort, including getting in trouble. They want approval, praise, and rewards from their parents. Whether or how often a child repeats sexual behavior is often related to how caregivers respond to the child’s initial sexual behavior. Calm, educational responses help children learn.
Preschool children have limited ability to plan and control their behavior. They have a poor understanding of the long-term consequences of their behavior. Children’s typical sexual behavior (such as curiously looking at another child) is unplanned. The behavior is impulsive, without much forethought.
Children often play make-believe. They often pretend to be something or someone else. They may play or dress up as various people (real and make believe of different professions roles) and of animals.

Sexual Behavior

Preschool-aged children are curious in general and tend to actively learn about the world through listening, looking, touching, and imitating. Preschool-aged children express their general curiosity about the world with questions. They also imitate behavior they have seen and they explore their own bodies and others’. Children ages 2 to 5 years old tend to look at others’ bodies and may be especially curious if those people are nude. Children that age do not tend to respect physical boundaries and may stand too close to other people. They often touch their own sexual body parts, even in public. Young children may also touch adult women’s breasts, particularly their mothers’. Dressing up and pretending to be others is not unusual throughout this developmental period. Some parents and caregivers may be concerned or confused if their child displays behavior that is not culturally typical. We encourage families to remember that childhood is a period of learning and growth. 

Sexual play (showing one’s own sexual body parts and looking at or briefly touching other children’s body parts) is not unusual for preschool-age children. Sexual play is discussed in more detail below in the school-age development section. Culture and social context influence how often these typical behaviors occur.

Children as young as 7 months may touch and play with their own private parts. Infants and young children’s self-touch behavior appears largely related to curiosity and soothing feelings. From infancy on, children begin to explore the world. They learn about things that feel good and things that don’t. Various parts of the human body have a high concentration of nerve endings that make those areas very sensitive to touch. For example, the fingertips, mouth, anus, and genital areas are highly sensitive. Children discover the sensations in these areas during their normal exploratory behavior. Think of self-touch of private parts as a similar activity to when your child sucks her thumb or snuggles with a soft blanket. Even as infants, children are capable of sexual arousal; newborn baby boys can have penile erections. It’s an automatic bodily response, just like cutting a fresh onion can make your eyes water (even though you are not sad). These behaviors are very different from adult sexuality and self-stimulatory behavior. With young children, bodily responses are not a response to sexual fantasy - they are just something that feels soothing or good.

In contrast, sexually explicit, planned, or aggressive sexual acts are not a typical part of sexual development. Other rare sexual behaviors include putting objects in the vagina or rectum, putting one’s mouth on sexual parts, or pretending toys are having sex. See information about problematic sexual behavior here

In the first example of families provided in real world example section of this website, the two sons of the Cornelison family were demonstrating sex play. The children’s behavior was between two brothers of about the same age. They were not upset or angry. Instead, they were just curious. The behavior was not planned and happened when they were changing clothes. Neither child was pressured to do the behavior, although both were somewhat embarrassed to have been discovered. On the other hand, the sexual behavior of Ryan McFarland in the second example is of more concern due to the four-year age difference between him and his neighbor. The sexual behavior of Jerry Kastner in the last example is particularly concerning as he and his classmates used force with a younger student.

Ages 7-12: School-Age Children

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Children usually begin puberty during this age period. Puberty is a time in children’s lives in which their bodies change in many ways. Puberty brings many changes in children’s bodies, minds, emotions, and relationships with others. It is an important time of life, honored in many cultures through coming-of-age rituals or celebrations during adolescence, like Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, Quinceañeras, and others. It is also often a difficult time for youths as well as their caregivers as the youth grow in independence and their relationships with others adjust. Puberty usually begins for children around age 10. Some girls may begin to experience changes in their bodies as early as age 7 or 8. The physical process of maturation is designed for reproducing (of having children).

However, healthy development is much more than the physical changes and is about learning to express emotions, communicate, develop friendships, learn boundaries, and understand intimacy.

Resource highlight: How to talk with your child about their first crush

Puberty

For females, early stages of puberty start with a growth spurt in height, followed by a growth spurt in weight. Breast development is typically the first physical sign of puberty. Menstruation often starts two-three years after the onset of breast development.

Males’ growth spurts often take place later than females. Body proportions change over puberty, starting with rapid growth in trunk and legs. Puberty begins when testicles and scrotum begin to grow, vocal cords get bigger, and voice deepens.

Throughout puberty, all children experience changes in skin (more oil and sweat), hair, and body odor. The specific age that a child enters puberty varies, depending on such things as nutrition, family genes, and weight. The progression with which a child moves through the stages varies as well. Such differences in the way children move into and through puberty can impact the social adjustment and behavior of young people. They tend to evaluate themselves by comparing to others’ development.

Children need support, love and care from adult caregivers and friends to manage these changes. Taking the time to listen, validate feelings, and encourage exploring interests and activities facilitates well-being. American Academy of Pediatrics provides additional resources on puberty here.

Sexual Knowledge

Children’s knowledge of pregnancy, birth, and adult sexual activity increases during their elementary-school years. By age 10, most children can have a basic and fairly realistic understanding of puberty, how “babies are made,” pregnancy, and childbirth. The accuracy of their sexual knowledge, however, depends in large part on the children’s exposure to correct information and educational material. Since parents often find communicating with their children about bodily changes and sexual matters uncomfortable, children frequently turn to other sources of information. They may learn inaccurate sexual information and troublesome values from other youth and from movies, magazines, song lyrics, the Internet, and television.

Sexual Behavior

By age 7 and 8, children begin to understand the rules of society and apply those rules to a variety of situations. Children this age start to understand that most sexual behaviors are not allowed. Children often apply social rules related to clothing during these years, too. They may become shy and more private about their personal grooming and dressing activities (such as bathing). School-age children’s sexual behaviors become more shaped by their friends and acquaintances than they were at younger ages. They tend to be hesitant to display any sorts of sexual behaviors when adults can see them. Children’s sexual behaviors continue to occur throughout this school-age period, but these behaviors are often hidden from view of others. Caregivers may not even know that such sexual behaviors are taking place.

School-age children are especially interested in the media and are likely to seek out television shows, Internet sites, movies, and pictures in publications that include nudity. This can lead to exposure to violent and explicit materials. If parents, caregivers, or other responsible adults are not available to correct misinformation, these youth may make choices of behavior based on this exposure. Consider accessing It’s Time We Talked and Digital Birds and Bees for more information.

Self-touch behaviors occur with increasing frequency during this developmental period. Interest in romantic relationships increases as children approach their teens, and interactive behaviors are initiated with the playful teasing of others. A small but significant number (about 7 to 10 percent) of children are involved in more explicit sexual activity, including sexual intercourse, by the age of 13.

Sexual Play Among Children

Normal child development involves some degree of behavior focused on sexual body parts and curiosity about sexual behavior. Sex play occurs between children of similar ages and abilities and who know and play with each other regularly, rather than between strangers. Sex play is often triggered by curiosity and occurs with people they are with. For example, when boys are hanging out with boys and girls with girls. Sexual play may include siblings.

Researchers have learned a lot about childhood sex play through asking young adults about their own childhood experiences. Some things they learned are that sex play among children:

  • Occurs between children who know and play with each other already, including siblings and their friends
  • Is common (many of the adults reported at least one childhood experience)
  • May not be discovered by parents
  • Is seen as positive or neutral, if the behavior is true sex play (if it involves children of similar ages, and no force or aggression is used) and not between siblings during tween and teen years
  • Is not related to the children’s sexual orientation in adolescence or adulthood

Children who participate in typical childhood sexual play are basically being curious. They don’t obsess about sexual activity, or practice more advanced sexual behaviors, such as intercourse or oral sex. Intrusive, planned, forced, or aggressive sexual acts are not part of typical or normal sex play of children, but are, instead, problem behaviors.

In the first example of families provided in real world example section of this website, the two sons of the Cornelison family were demonstrating sex play. The children’s behavior was between two brothers of about the same age. They were not upset or angry. Instead, they were just curious. The behavior was not planned and happened when they were changing clothes. Neither child was pressured to do the behavior, although both were somewhat embarrassed to have been discovered. On the other hand, the sexual behavior of Ryan McFarland in the second example is of more concern due to the four-year age difference between him and his neighbor. The sexual behavior of Jerry Kastner in the last example is particularly concerning as he and his classmates used force with a younger student.

Tips to Remember
  1. Sexual development starts in infancy and continues throughout childhood.
  2. Most children are curious about the world including bodies and the differences in their bodies.
  3. Sex play can occur among same-age children.
  4. Sexual knowledge and behavior are influenced by culture, media, and their peers
  5. Children with developmental disabilities and medical conditions also develop sexually and benefit from knowledge, such as through sex education.
  6. Sexual behavior of children range from typical to problematic.
  7. If sexual behavior does not respond to parental intervention, it may be time to seek additional support.
  8. Sexual behavior that includes use of force, coercion, or aggression are highly concerning. Professional support is needed.
  9. All children can have problematic sexual behavior.
  10. Treatment can help prevent future problematic sexual behavior.

Advocating For Your Child

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Deciding where to seek support for a child who has engaged in problematic sexual behavior can be a confusing process.

No single state or federal agency manages children with sexual behavior problems.

  • Sometimes child protective services (or child welfare) are involved.
  • Sometimes law enforcement is involved.
  • Some states have other agencies who oversee cases of children with sexual behavior problems.
  • Sometimes the only professionals involved are the therapists or other behavioral health professional providing services to the family.

Each state has different regulations, policies, and rules for governing how it will address cases of children who have demonstrated such problems. The information below provides general guidelines regarding these agencies.

No single state or federal agency manages children with sexual behavior problems. Sometimes child protective services (or child welfare) are involved. Sometimes law enforcement is involved. Some states have other agencies who oversee cases of children with sexual behavior problems. Each state has different regulations, policies, and rules for governing how it will address cases of children who have demonstrated such problems. The information below provides general guidelines regarding these agencies.

Child Protective Services

Every state in the union has child abuse and neglect reporting laws as well as Child Protective Services that are required to investigate suspected abuse and to protect children. Many children with sexual behavior problems, particularly preschool-age children, have experienced trauma, including child abuse. First and foremost, these children must be protected from further harm. Child Protective Services are provided by the state and are charged with protecting children from child maltreatment, including child sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, and emotional abuse. For children who are American Indian or Alaska Native, Indian Child Welfare is required to be involved in child protective matters.

In most states, child protective services address child abuse and neglect by a caregiver. In general (but it differs by state and jurisdiction), child protective services will investigate cases in which a child has demonstrated a sexual behavior problem when:

  • There is reason to suspect that one or more children involved in the sexual behavior may have also been abused by a caregiver
  • A caregiver has been aware of the sexual behavior problems and has not taken protective actions to prevent future sexual behaviors
  • A child with sexual behavior problems needs appropriate treatment, and the caregiver fails to enroll and participate in such services (particularly when the youth has demonstrated aggressive, coercive, and/or repeated sexual behavior problems) and
  • The caregiver is not providing appropriate protection and safety measures, due to such things as substance abuse or domestic violence.
  • The sexual behavior demonstrated by the child is considered harmful or abusive.

For information about reporting suspected child abuse and neglect see http://www.stopitnow.org/reporting-child-sexual-abuse and https://www.childwelfare.gov/resources/mandatory-reporting-child-abuse-and-neglect/

In these cases, Child Protective Services will conduct an assessment or an investigation. An assessment is designed to identify service needs of the family and link them with supports. An investigation is initiated in the more severe or risky cases, and is designed to determine if abuse or neglect has occurred so that needed safety measures can be taken. Assessments and investigations often include interviews of the children, caregivers, and other involved adults. The investigation may also include an assessment of the safety and risk factors in the home environment.

Some jurisdictions use Child Advocacy Centers to conduct interviews with the children. Child-Advocacy Centers are child-friendly environments and have specially trained interviewers who typically work in conjunction with child protective services, law enforcement, and district attorneys.

The results of the investigation and child protective services’ response can vary depending on the case, situation, and jurisdiction. Possible results and responses may determine one or more of the following:

  • Child abuse and neglect are not confirmed, but services are recommended. A specific treatment program may be recommended by child protective services.
  • The children involved in the sexual behavior problems were themselves victims of child abuse. If so, safety measures will be required. If the person who was the abuser is in the home (such as the father, the aunt, or someone else), that person may be required to leave the residence. Another option is that the child may be placed in foster care or in a kinship care home.
  • The caregiver “failed to protect” the children involved. These are cases in which child protective services believe that a caregiver knew about the sexual behavior problems or other risky situations and failed to act to protect the child. Responses can range from close monitoring and requiring services to the removal of the children from the home and the placement of the children in protective custody. Sometimes the state/Child Protective Services may remove all the children. At other times, just the child with the sexual behavior problems will be required to live in a home separate from his/her siblings. The caregiver would then be given a treatment plan to complete, to demonstrate that the caregiver has the capability to protect the children.
  • The caregiver was neglectful when failing to find and participate in needed mental health or behavioral health services for a child with sexual behavior problems. If the caregiver is required to follow through with services, but fails to, the child may be removed from that adult’s care and placed elsewhere to receive the required services.
  • Having Child Protective Services involved with your family can be somewhat intimidating, due in part to your level of uncertainty about what could happen. But the service’s goal is the same as your goal, which is to keep your children safe from harm. With education, advocacy, and support, a partnership can be developed with Child Protective Services to help your children. Here are some recommendations to help with this process:
  • Advocate that your children and family receive the types of treatment found to be most effective.
  • Develop a support network that will provide a safety team for your children and provide you with emotional support.
  • Directly address any personal matters that would interfere with your ability to provide the types of supervision and parenting your children need, such as treatment for depression, substance abuse, or violence in the home or community.
  • Advocate that all caregivers provide a safe and caring environment that meets the needs all children.
  • Advocate for a lawyer who knows your child’s rights and understands and supports the best interests of your children and you.
  • Communicate regularly with the Child Protective Services worker assigned to your family. If you have problems with communication with that person, contact the worker’s supervisor.
  • If you disagree with the findings of the Child Protective Services investigation, you can appeal. Every state is required to have an appeals process for caregivers.

Legal System

The legal system may become involved with families of children with problematic sexual behaviors in a variety of ways. If Child Protective Services are involved and confirm child abuse or neglect, then the children and caregivers will likely be involved in the court system. States refer to this court with different names, but often it is called Family Court. Cases involving Child Protective Services may include a treatment plan for the family that will be issued through the court. The family will be seen in court in front of the judge periodically (perhaps monthly, or every three or six months) until enough progress has been made that the case can be closed.

The juvenile justice system can also be involved with families of children with problematic sexual behaviors through law enforcement and juvenile services. This involvement may happen in cases where older youths (such as 11- or 12-year-olds, but sometimes younger) act out sexually with much younger children, particularly in cases where force, coercion, or aggression is used or in cases where the sexual behavior is explicit and intrusive (such as intercourse). In these cases, law enforcement may conduct an investigation that involves the interviewing of all children and adults potentially involved in the situation. Law enforcement will also conduct examinations of the scene or collect other evidence. States can charge juveniles with sexual offenses, but each state differs with regard to the age group to which juvenile statutes apply. Some states have applied juvenile statutes to children as young as 7 years old, but states more typically have an age limit of no less than 10 years of age.

After finding that a youth has committed a sexual offense, the legal system may respond to these cases in one of the following ways:

  • Postponing charging the child if the youth participates in services, and then dropping charges upon completion of the program
  • Charging the child with a sexual offense, placing the child on probation, and requiring service participation or
  • Charging the child with a sexual offense and placing the child in a juvenile facility

Some states are now placing youths (mostly adolescents) with sexual-offense histories on public sex offender registries on the internet. It is important for caregivers to educate themselves about the registry laws in their own state. The Task Force Committee on Children with Problematic Sexual Behaviors from the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers reports that registering children and publicly labeling them as sex offenders for life puts the children themselves at risk of significant harm that can range from educational discrimination and rejection to ostracism and vigilantism. No broad public protection is provided by the registration of children because children with problematic sexual behaviors simply are not a high-risk group, especially if provided with appropriate treatment. The full report of the Task Force can be found on the publications page of their website (www.atsa.com).  

 

Family Testimonials

When a parent has a child who demonstrates problematic sexual behavior, many questions arise such as ones noted in these case examples. The four examples are fictional and are not intended to represent a specific people. Rather these examples illustrate the range of families impacted by problematic sexual behavior of youth. In the following webpages, these families’ questions are addressed as well as other questions parents and caregivers may have.

Tips to Remember
  1. Not all children with problematic sexual behavior have been sexually abused.
  2. If child sexual abuse is suspected, contact the authorities, including child protective services.
  3. Multiple factors may contribute to the development of problematic sexual behavior.
  4. Close supervision, open communication, sex education, good boundaries, and positive friendships are protective factors.